sometimes God is wonderfully obvious

my heart is light today as I thank the Lord for answered prayer.

My morale at work had bottomed out and I had begun to pray to the Lord to help me win the favor of my superiors, that my effort, sincerity, and good work ethic be noticed.

well, my boss called me into her office the other day and completely upped my morale and commended me on a job well done.

the Lord answers prayer - I am so amazed that he would step in so obviously, and I am praising Him today with songs and a joyful heart.

c.anna

simpleton faith

So. I've been told that God has a plan for my life and that if I would only somehow shift myself off of my inward axis and allow Him to rule where self is seated, then He will live through me and accomplish all of His plans and my place in Heaven will be secured.

I have had the Bible verse quoted to me, 'it is no longer I that live but Christ that lives in me.' I've stared at diagrams of a circle with a little throne in the middle of it with a big letter 's' on it and then a second circle the same except there is the letter 'C' on it and the circle represents my life. The latter circle seems to be the one that is desired.

I can't imagine. I can't even fully grasp what this thing called 'self' really is and its even more confusing to try to figure out how to get rid of it. I've poured over the tracts and asked all manner of pastors, priests, and christians who believe themselves to have successfuly accomplished this task only to discover that these folks are just as ordinary and sinful as me.

so. After much delliberation and prayer and the passage of years, I've come to the conclusion that there are 3 very important things that I can aspire to at all times.

1- to love God
2- treat others exactly the way I want to be treated
3- keep my life as simple as possible and do whatever I'm doing in the moment well and attentively.

Keeping these 3 things in mind at all times isn't easy - and carrying them out isn't always easy either.....but its a concept I can grasp.

c.anna

The sum of me is merely a dividend

Am I the sum of my ideas and beliefs? I don't even know all of them and they are me. I am a desert.

This constant blowing of thought and the constant struggle to sort and catalogue each grain of sand as it spins is a constant distraction.

The strength is in the storm and the potential of it is lost in the explaining.

It is such a challenge. Such a complete and utter mystery of miraculous consideration to strive not to understand, to not identify, to not observe, to not even record the experience of it all.

c.anna

eternal life

Christianity teaches that its followers will have eternal life.

I have been told that If I believe in my heart and confess with my mouth that Jesus Christ is God in the flesh and is alive - I will be saved.

I can't fathom this blessing. Somehow I keep on thinking that I have to work really hard to earn the gift that there is no way I can ever be worthy and yet I keep on trying to force myself to be good enough - to somehow convince God that I DESERVE it.

In deserving it - God would then be obligated to give it to me.....what a trap my mind is!!! What a snare my pride is! why do I find it so hard to just acknowledge that I am an imperfect being born with a sinful nature and understand that the very fact that I believe on the name of Jesus Christ is remarkable in itself, and that belief is what God values more than any good deed or piety I may aspire to?

c.anna

Rotted out like a tooth

for much of my life I was fed a steady diet of sugary stories of how much Jesus loved me and how eternal life was a free gift and that good deeds and fancy prayers and constant prayer are only for the fanatics or the mystics. love love love. dewy sappy weeping bleeding love. Pictures of lambs and hillsides and ruddy apple cheeked little ones gathered at his feet.

My madness came upon me suddenly and I raved endlessly about my inflamed dellusions of hell and fire and evil living within me.....all those I loved reminded me of this effeminate swain who wandered the countryside carrying lambs around and blessing children. My raving only increased and, so, in frustration all those I loved turned away and I was driven to institutions where the torchure of my spiritual starvation drove me to begging for someone to pray for me. Someone to tell me the truth. What is hell. Who goes there and why and how can I escape such a horrible thing.

Time and time again the words of God were made to be a lullaby - cookies given to the crying child, for no reason other than to end the constant whining.

The words of the son of all creation. God Almighty Himself in the flesh. The one who stormed the temple and whos teachings and behavior offended almost everyone. Reduced to little more than candies and cream puffs - tasty oh so yummy. I was a fat little brat gone mad on it.

my steady diet of spiritual candy decayed my soul as surely as a tooth would rot.

A new realationship was born between Christ and myself as I in a very stormy and messy and emotionally violent way came to terms with the God of justice, and judgement, and boundaries, and rules. He began to feed me. love yes, lots of it. Forgiveness, yes lots of that too...

....and humilliation. God has sent ppl into my life who held me accountable to the truth and brought to my own understanding my own love of lies and the world and yes, I even loved evil. they were his whips....and through them I received my share of stripes. and i am so grateful for the shaming of my pride.

I love God. As surely as I know he remains in his flesh and is alive - I am confident in his love for his children. Who am I to call myself child of the Living God? Yet I do so, and sometimes I weep to think of the enormity of that.

c.anna

Exactly

so today I was reading any old verse on any old page of my little New Testament and right there were the words, 'God will treat you exactly as you treated others' my casual scan was immediately halted. The word 'exactly' trapped my eye and was repeated about 10 times in the couple of seconds it took me to free myself and read on.

So. I am going to be paying close attention to how I treat others from now on, since I now know that Jesus will do to me as I have done unto others. I don't think I could take it if he treated me unkindly.

c.anna

I saw the Lord today

Today I rejoiced in the power and glory of God.

One of my clients has moved out of one address and into another - much better place.

This person has known homelessness, abuse, and to have lived in an apartment with supported living was, to her, paradise and because of her peculiar ways she endured ridicule, and much disrespect from her neighbours and even other clients.

In her open innocence and unwavering cheerfulness she remained unphased - and the Lord worked a miracle for her. She has moved to her own house!!! still supported, but what a miracle!!! From destitution and abuse to security and a HOUSE.

Today I rejoiced in the Lord and his justice and thanked him for the priviledge of allowing me to see him lift up his dear one, his lamb.

c.anna