I'm not so good, or so pure

I like to be viewed as selfless and giving….look how well loved philanthropists are and lets not overlook the Holy prophets and saints.

I have examined my heart and have found within myself the most selfish and dark thing that I pretend isn’t there and will go to great lengths to deny. Pride and vain glory.

When I do something I like to get something back. Of this I am ashamed.

The thing I want most is praise *ouch* on top of everything else I have itching ears. I want my good deeds to be noticed and if not noticed by employers, or other important people – get this – I expect GOD to notice and congratulate me on judgment day.

What a fool I am. The Bible is very clear that I am only a servant and that if I do as God wills, then I am only doing my duty – and who deserves to be congratulated for that?

c.anna

self aware, or self absorbed?

Okay, so here I am once more examining my heart, and I'm wondering why I care so deeply about my motives and ideas.

The reason I examine myself so closely is because its important to me that I have a clear conscience before God and I keep on thinking that if I share my very human ideas and insights that others may relate and find some moral support in the struggle.

Somewhere in Scripture I am told to purify my heart, and how can i do that unless I take as honest a look at myself as God enables me?

My goal is to become a good and faithful servant of God and that is going to take some doing and no one can do my repenting for me....and so I look at myself.

c.anna

Through the eye of a needle

so, I've been working really hard to clean up my attitude and to live in a way that God approves of and blesses. It's been a struggle as I try to do what the Bible has said he likes - such as loving God with all my heart, mind and strength and loving my neighbor as much as I love myself.

I've been working really hard to stop my cussing and lusting and gossiping and complaining and hating. I've been met with failure upon failure as my temper flares in an instant and in that moment of anger my careless heart once again fills with hatred, vengence, and all bitterness once more.

I've been trying to repent using my will power - so that I can take the glory and say that I did it all myself and thought the Lord would be pleased by me for my heartfelt actions.

Wrong.

I can only be made pleasing to him by accepting his power at work in me by grace, through faith. which leads me to think that God can only do as much as my faith in him will allow.

What a tiny space he has to work with.

c.anna

Getting over myself

I take myself way too seriously.

I am constantly poking around my mind scrutinizing my every motive and every deed.

I justify myself constantly with thoughts like 'well if she would stop....well if he would do....if the weather were nicer....if the busses were on time...if work weren't so stressful...' and so on goes the victim thinking.

Even my prayers are self serving as I ask God to fix this or that thing in my life so that I won't have to work that self control muscle.

It would appear that the only thing in between me and contentment is that big comfy easy chair called self pity.

c.anna

Smoke Free

I used to pray for God to deliver me from my smoking addiction, and I would always wonder why He seemed to not be listening.

I used to promise Him on oath, that I would stop the next day - thinking that smoking was somehow sinful and I needed to repent of it. The battle with this addiction raged for 2 decades!

and now....

It's been just over 2 1/2 years since I stopped smoking and I'm still excited with each smokeless day that passes!

One would think that after all this time, I wouldn't give smoking or not smoking even a passing thought...but I do. I still have moments where I am tempted to have one, and I have moments where I give my head a shake in amazement that I no longer smoke.

c.anna

distraction

For the last couple of weeks I've been enjoying good feelings toward the Lord and his word and I've been revelling in each newly recognized blessing that has been poured out onto me.

I was feeling pretty special, and then, pride got me. And pride comes before a fall - in other words my eyes were more interested in looking at the changes in me, than they were at beholding the beauty of the Lord and I crashed.

Now I'm wallowing in irritability and disappointment.

I thank the Lord that he has helped me to see my error and I know that he will help me out of this place yet again and he will be my patient and kind shepherd once more.

c.anna

prayer

What a gift! What an absolute honor and privilege it is to pray.

By prayer I can go right into the very presence of God and say whatever I want, however I want and whenever the mood strikes me to do it.

God, in his love gave me this right...and not only me, but to all people. Even non believers are given the space to send their mocking, sneering, provoking words up to his ears.

In his infinite fairness and love, he has made himself open to us - all of us. What an absolutely marvelous thing, prayer is.

May praises be sung to the Lord now and for all eternity, may the words of my mouth become more and more pleasing to him.

c.anna