abandoning the idea of God

At 44 years of age I have come to the conclusion that my life is half over - and what a rip off it has been. I have been so concerned with sin and the devil and the state of my eternal soul that i have disallowed myself any fun and am certainly not a friendly person.

I have reconsidered my 'faith' and have decided that it sucks to be so isolated and impossible to befriend.

From here on in I will be embracing fun and friendliness. I will look at each moment as an opportunity to have fun, or be friendly. Prefferably both. Every moment counts.

I can do that and not be breaking any commandment.

c.anna

I don't think I know God

so. I have been struggling with hard feelings toward God.

I have no good reason for this - just a lot of self pity and blaming him for all my misery.

I have searched my heart and have discovered unsavory motives for my 'faith'. I thank God for the good things in my life because I fear that if I don't, he'll take it away.

I try to be kind and patient because I fear that if I am not nice to assholes, God will punish me.

I have no love for him in me anywhere - everything I do is done out of fear of an angry and punitive God.

This is wrong. God should be loved and out of that love good things would flow without effort and I think that unless I love Him - my prayers are erroneous and insulting.

If God is love and goodness - I can't imagine He enjoyes listening to prayers said out of a sense of obligation and ritual. I don't think God is pleased to be considered strict and angry and prone to a mean streak.

I need to work this out. I don't want my life to get even worse and I don't want to be cast into hell at the end of this turn around the world.

c.anna

can I be forgiven?

So. I've been having a real spiritual struggle that has spanned the last few months. I have had an ever increasing suspicion that God was fed up with my bad attitude and was done forgiving me for my constant weakness.

I have also had increasing difficulty with prayer. I start 'oh God' or 'Oh Lord' and don't get any further than that.

Today I googled the question 'will God forgive me' and I came across an article reminding me that if I forgive I will be forgiven and if I show mercy I will receive mercy..and if I don't believe God is forgiving and merciful toward me, then I will have a hard time being that way myself.

If I were confident of God's love and mercy and constant forgiveness toward me, then I would not be so easily offended and quick to anger.

That's where I have been slipping. I have a hard time believing that God isn't fed up with me and, still loves me. I need to regain confidence in the love and mercy of God toward me. Time to pull my nose out of the air and put it into my Bible. I have fallen far.

Lord. You are my shepherd and I am your lamb. Please lift me out of this hole I have fallen into.

Amen

c.anna

it wasn't me

so. there is coming a time when my life will be over and the lord will take a look at all the things I've done while in my mortal body and he will test them all with fire - if they burn up they will be a loss for me, but if they withstand the fire, then I have some reward.

how hopeless for me! I am such a sinner and so unreliable in my ways!

then I realized that I cannot do a good thing - but if any good thing does happen then God has used me in some manner and the work wasn't me - it was him.

This understanding that it isn't me doing anything good, but God doing it gave me cause for celebration!

c.anna

eat your rice, wash your bowl

So. I tend to complicate things. I've got myself trying to be kind, helpful, loving, patient, slow to speak and quick to listen, not be so angry I sin, have a sound mind, and so on with all the personality assets that a child of God should have.

there is a saying 'act as if' with the idea that if i act as if I have all the fruit of the Holy Spirit, they will magically begin to manifest. Another way of saying it is, 'fake it till you make it.'

After much spinning out I've come to the conclusion (with the help of the book of Ecclesiastes) that I am only complicating matters by trying to assemble the puzzle of my personality by starring at the picture on the box. This is chasing the wind and it would be a good idea for me to take things one small bit at a time.

Jesus said to treat others as I want to be treated. The Golden Rule. Looks like a good place to start.

This is as simple as it gets. If I focus on being kind and respectful toward the people I come into contact with every day, giving each person as much respect and kindness that I can in the moment - then eventually without even noticing - I will begin to see the good things in others because I will be looking for those good things so that I can keep up my motivation to be kind to them.

noticing the good in others can only snow ball into more sincere acts of kindness. you can see right now how this grows into patience and genuine affection and then love and respect. I don't need to spell it out.

so, the long and the short of it is, focus on the simplest matter at hand, which is to treat others as you would want to be treated, and all sorts of wonderful parts of your personality will start to blossom and grow.

Another great lesson I took from the Book of Ecclesiastes was the end where the writer has described all of his observations and trials and experiments and has come to the conclusion that complicating things is like chasing the wind and the important thing is to pay attention to whatever work you do, and give thanks to God every day.

c.anna

wicked winds

every so often I have a time of stormy and unpleasant thoughts and feelings that cause me to suffer and squirm.

at those times, my thoughts are constantly focused upon my every shortcoming and my conscience threatens me with loss at every turn. I become suspicious of my employers, my co workers, my clients, and I doubt my worthiness of any small enjoyment.

and prayer is a very difficult and arduous task. I simply cannot remember that I'm praying once I get past, 'Dear Jesus' - my mind flies away to fancies of destruction and self accusation.

self pity and sloth quickly set in and I am lost to the quagmire until it passes....seemingly on its own. I wish I could stand up and declare some positive coping skill that makes it all go away, but truth be told, it simply passes on its own.

pride leads me to claim that I hurry the process along by looking for the good and by being some kind of John Wayne of the mental health wild west. But no. it simply passes.

and that is what I want to share with anyone who wonders how to cope. just feel the pain, let the hurricane blow itself out.

the slogan 'this too shall pass' isn't as trite as one would think at first glance.

c.anna

emotional slavery

I was once told that animals are creatures ruled by their emotions and have no other method of reasoning - if they reason at all.

i have also been told that a person can easily allow themsleves to be ruled by their emotions and base all their reasoning upon how they feel about a matter.

i am such a person. My emotions are constantly overpowering my thought processes and hijacking my will.

the other night I was unwell and was filled with dark, brooding, angry, hateful feelings and I cursed and accused God in the intervals where I was awake between bouts of sleeping. I railed at him that hell is unfair and we have no choice but to worship him 'cause if we don't we'll suffer eternal torment....and we're also expected to love him - without ever laying eyes upon him or hearing his voice and being without any tangible proof that he's there. Faith - oh, I had plently of horrid things to say about faith too.

My emotions were in control. I felt miserable and so my attitude was one of misery.

What a trap!

I am ashamed and can hardly bring myself to pray today.

c.anna