Just forgive.

Here I am 43 years old feeling all sorry for myself because my childhood wasn't perfect and my parents made myriad mistakes and inwardly blaming them for every imaginable misery I've ever suffered.

I keep on digging through my resentment pile and the deeper I dig the bigger the pile gets and I've come to the conclusion that as long as I'm looking for crap to feel sorry for myself about there will always be some.

Time for me to get over myself and get on with things. I have a wonderful opportunity to forgive - and what a blessing this golden moment is too. The lord told us to pray '....and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us...'

So, the more I forgive, the more I will be forgiven, and on the day that I stand before the Lord I hope to be forgiven for a whole bunch of stuff.

c.anna

Don't speak when you're angry

A friend on facebook mentioned one day that she was going to pour herself 'a big cup of shut up' I loved it and have been reminding myself of those words and telling myself to imagine myself sipping on a steaming mug of shut up at times when my mouth would normally get moving and cause trouble for me or someone I love.

I notice when I'm miserable and angry absolutely nothing helpful, wise, uplifting or sensible comes out of my mouth....and that is the time I most want to give voice to my thoughts. Staying quiet and silent is a skill I am learning. Some days I am more successful than others, but hey - its a learning curve.

I'm getting better at it and, with each success, that feeling of accomplishment just gets sweeter and sweeter.

c.anna

sometimes God is wonderfully obvious

my heart is light today as I thank the Lord for answered prayer.

My morale at work had bottomed out and I had begun to pray to the Lord to help me win the favor of my superiors, that my effort, sincerity, and good work ethic be noticed.

well, my boss called me into her office the other day and completely upped my morale and commended me on a job well done.

the Lord answers prayer - I am so amazed that he would step in so obviously, and I am praising Him today with songs and a joyful heart.

c.anna

simpleton faith

So. I've been told that God has a plan for my life and that if I would only somehow shift myself off of my inward axis and allow Him to rule where self is seated, then He will live through me and accomplish all of His plans and my place in Heaven will be secured.

I have had the Bible verse quoted to me, 'it is no longer I that live but Christ that lives in me.' I've stared at diagrams of a circle with a little throne in the middle of it with a big letter 's' on it and then a second circle the same except there is the letter 'C' on it and the circle represents my life. The latter circle seems to be the one that is desired.

I can't imagine. I can't even fully grasp what this thing called 'self' really is and its even more confusing to try to figure out how to get rid of it. I've poured over the tracts and asked all manner of pastors, priests, and christians who believe themselves to have successfuly accomplished this task only to discover that these folks are just as ordinary and sinful as me.

so. After much delliberation and prayer and the passage of years, I've come to the conclusion that there are 3 very important things that I can aspire to at all times.

1- to love God
2- treat others exactly the way I want to be treated
3- keep my life as simple as possible and do whatever I'm doing in the moment well and attentively.

Keeping these 3 things in mind at all times isn't easy - and carrying them out isn't always easy either.....but its a concept I can grasp.

c.anna

The sum of me is merely a dividend

Am I the sum of my ideas and beliefs? I don't even know all of them and they are me. I am a desert.

This constant blowing of thought and the constant struggle to sort and catalogue each grain of sand as it spins is a constant distraction.

The strength is in the storm and the potential of it is lost in the explaining.

It is such a challenge. Such a complete and utter mystery of miraculous consideration to strive not to understand, to not identify, to not observe, to not even record the experience of it all.

c.anna

eternal life

Christianity teaches that its followers will have eternal life.

I have been told that If I believe in my heart and confess with my mouth that Jesus Christ is God in the flesh and is alive - I will be saved.

I can't fathom this blessing. Somehow I keep on thinking that I have to work really hard to earn the gift that there is no way I can ever be worthy and yet I keep on trying to force myself to be good enough - to somehow convince God that I DESERVE it.

In deserving it - God would then be obligated to give it to me.....what a trap my mind is!!! What a snare my pride is! why do I find it so hard to just acknowledge that I am an imperfect being born with a sinful nature and understand that the very fact that I believe on the name of Jesus Christ is remarkable in itself, and that belief is what God values more than any good deed or piety I may aspire to?

c.anna

Rotted out like a tooth

for much of my life I was fed a steady diet of sugary stories of how much Jesus loved me and how eternal life was a free gift and that good deeds and fancy prayers and constant prayer are only for the fanatics or the mystics. love love love. dewy sappy weeping bleeding love. Pictures of lambs and hillsides and ruddy apple cheeked little ones gathered at his feet.

My madness came upon me suddenly and I raved endlessly about my inflamed dellusions of hell and fire and evil living within me.....all those I loved reminded me of this effeminate swain who wandered the countryside carrying lambs around and blessing children. My raving only increased and, so, in frustration all those I loved turned away and I was driven to institutions where the torchure of my spiritual starvation drove me to begging for someone to pray for me. Someone to tell me the truth. What is hell. Who goes there and why and how can I escape such a horrible thing.

Time and time again the words of God were made to be a lullaby - cookies given to the crying child, for no reason other than to end the constant whining.

The words of the son of all creation. God Almighty Himself in the flesh. The one who stormed the temple and whos teachings and behavior offended almost everyone. Reduced to little more than candies and cream puffs - tasty oh so yummy. I was a fat little brat gone mad on it.

my steady diet of spiritual candy decayed my soul as surely as a tooth would rot.

A new realationship was born between Christ and myself as I in a very stormy and messy and emotionally violent way came to terms with the God of justice, and judgement, and boundaries, and rules. He began to feed me. love yes, lots of it. Forgiveness, yes lots of that too...

....and humilliation. God has sent ppl into my life who held me accountable to the truth and brought to my own understanding my own love of lies and the world and yes, I even loved evil. they were his whips....and through them I received my share of stripes. and i am so grateful for the shaming of my pride.

I love God. As surely as I know he remains in his flesh and is alive - I am confident in his love for his children. Who am I to call myself child of the Living God? Yet I do so, and sometimes I weep to think of the enormity of that.

c.anna