salad

The other day I was talking with a friend about prayer and God and so on and I had to confess that I have a sort of tossed salad faith. I take what works for me from wherever it comes from.

I believe that God is three, yet one, before whom I am to have nothing I respect more. Yet I practice the devotion of the Rosary, which many have opined to me, is a form of Goddess worship...and speaking of Goddess worship. I have a growing fascination with Goddess concept and have been more and more attracted to what I call the Divine Feminine.

magic. sounds very appealing. so does wicca *WHAM* there it is. I have a growing attraction to witchery. the practice of casting spells, invoking spirits stronger than myself to help me accomplish tasks in my life and in the lives of others.

there is power in magic, and I'm even becoming less offended by the idea of leaving myself open to the danger or demonic interference in my life, and wondering if 'demons' are truly evil or if they are, as some say, simply manifestations necessary to facillitate the learning of some lesson?

And so I have this conflict within myself. and when i get to the root of it all - there is a need for control - to harness the force of my life and make myself comfortable and safe. Myself and my loved ones.

But, i know myself and I know that I am equating control with power, and i am told that power corrupts, and I also know myself to be foolish and fickle and so I ask myself, 'Do I want myself to be in charge of my actions and consequences of those actions whatever they may be?'

I have to say no. I know myself to be unreliable, foolish, naive, emotional, and ignorant....and so the alternative is to hand that power over to someone else....and without further rambling let me introduce.

My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who has been my God from earliest memory and I believe to be ultimately wise and loving - omniscient, omnipresent, my companion, friend, lover and God. Who has faced down the prince of darkness and has overcome death.

See how his voice whispered to me even as I was typing and has wooed me yet again? Tell me I am mad, I don't care.

Maranatha!

c.anna

distracted and restless

Praying is one of my most cherished rights. I love to go into the presence of God any time any place and for any reason and lay my cares, and requests at the feet of the Lord.

Lately, though, focussing on what I'm saying has been a challenge and I find myself mentally raising my voice to keep my brain aware and praying - its as if a thick fog has surrounded me and I have to shout my thoughts in order to get the words through.

Daydreaming takes over in seconds and I don't even notice I've stopped praying.

I'm glad I noticed this happening - I wonder how long its been going on.

Praying has become an effort of will, and this can only strengthen me. I know that the Lord will not let any test or burden come upon me that I cannot bear.

c.anna

Free Believers

So, lately there's been a buzz about Christians who don't attend church or claim adherance to a particular denomination. Such believers are reffered to as 'unaffiliated'.

I am one such Christian.

For personal reasons I don't attend church - and I won't list them because it would be 3 or 4 paragraphs of ranting that would do nothing more than bash the churches I've attended and loved in the past, and that just wouldn't be fair since they have all shaped the way I relate to the Lord and for that they are to be greatly thanked.

Yet being called 'unafilliated' seems very clinical and stark - as though I have detached myself from and renounced every practice and tradition I've ever learned under the heading 'Christian' or 'Church'.

Not so. I have a unique and personal way of relating to my Lord, Jesus Christ - and I have every little church I've ever attended to thank for their part in the tapestry that is now my faith.

so, I do not call myself 'unaffiated' I call myself a free believer.

c.anna

trump

Believing on the name of Jesus is, itself, a miracle. A miracle of such peculiarity, that it alone gives us street cred in heaven.

He is risen. He is risen indeed!

c.anna

temper temper

wowee do I ever have an attitude problem when I get tired and irritable. It seems my filthy mouth decides that since the brain is temporarily out of service, it can do as it pleases...which is cuss, and say incredibly insulting things about other people, including innocent bystanders...and, to my shame...the more blasphemous the idea, the more likely it is to come rolling out of my smelly mouth.

I am told to not speak in anger and to not let my emotions rule over me. If I do I should question my sincerity in my walk with the Lord.

I am never so close to hell as I am when I'm in a bad mood.

i am deeply ashamed of myself - but I always am, once I settle down and come back to my senses.

I've come to the conclusion that my time before the Lord's throne isn't going to be all accolades and crowns. I am beginning to fear that day, and this fear is having a beneficial affect on me. Its giving birth to respect. Respect is giving birth to admiration. Admiration is giving birth to love. Yes. I am falling in love with God and its a wonderous thing. Stormy. Wonderous. Awesome.

c.anna

unseen victories

I have been told that there is a constant battle raging between good and evil unseen by mortal eyes and that when my mortal life is over and I look with the eyes of my spirit, I will be stunned to know how much activity was going on all around me for my entire life....and not only that, but the things I did in my flesh had an impact upon that invisible battle.

Its odd to think that every action I take somehow alters the spectral activity in my vicinity...and not only me, but the choices and actions taken by every person also affects the battle around them and in a cascading sort of way the heavenly places are impacted.

I am so grateful that the living God is in all places and knows all things and is constantly taking action on behalf of us all for our benefit. I am so glad that God is mighty to save.

If my puny mind can wring these few confused and muddled words. Then how can it ever begin to fathom the staggering victory that Jesus won on the cross? then there's the whole resurrection thing too. This is too big for me.

If all my words come to nought and if my mind should suddenly be still and I cease to be....then let these words remain. Christ the Lord is risen, risen indeed! The victory is His!

c.anna

no joy

once again I find myself in the depression quagmire. this dark place where reality is suspended and it seems as if I am living very close to the mouth of hell.

I find myself angry at God and wondering if he is just a figment of my imagination, and not only that but I find myself beginning to dislike him.

I find this very upsetting. I am told that I am to love, just love. Love God, my enemies, friends and so on....but I have no love within myself. Everything I do is done out of a sense of duty and obligation...and even fear of getting in trouble if I don't.

If I could see my spirit, I would see that I've fallen into a pit - a trap set by the wicked one designed to maximise my self pity and sense of injustice.

I'll wait on the Lord. He'll come. He'll rescue me and I'll be happy again.

c.anna