no joy

once again I find myself in the depression quagmire. this dark place where reality is suspended and it seems as if I am living very close to the mouth of hell.

I find myself angry at God and wondering if he is just a figment of my imagination, and not only that but I find myself beginning to dislike him.

I find this very upsetting. I am told that I am to love, just love. Love God, my enemies, friends and so on....but I have no love within myself. Everything I do is done out of a sense of duty and obligation...and even fear of getting in trouble if I don't.

If I could see my spirit, I would see that I've fallen into a pit - a trap set by the wicked one designed to maximise my self pity and sense of injustice.

I'll wait on the Lord. He'll come. He'll rescue me and I'll be happy again.

c.anna

how does it feel to forgive?

I've been struggling with the concept of forgiveness. I have come to the conclusion that to forgive I simply let go of any sense of entitlement to retribution or vengence for a wrong done to me. yet I seem to have a hard time getting around my feelings of anger, shame and sorrow.

I may be able to rationalize many of the things I feel upset about, but being able to see the other side doesn't seem to take away the sadness, and hurt I feel....which brings me to the idea that forgiveness may not be about feelings. It may simply be a sort of spiritual transaction. I cancel the debt and it no longer exists regardless of how confusing this is on an emotional level.

c.anna

Just forgive.

Here I am 43 years old feeling all sorry for myself because my childhood wasn't perfect and my parents made myriad mistakes and inwardly blaming them for every imaginable misery I've ever suffered.

I keep on digging through my resentment pile and the deeper I dig the bigger the pile gets and I've come to the conclusion that as long as I'm looking for crap to feel sorry for myself about there will always be some.

Time for me to get over myself and get on with things. I have a wonderful opportunity to forgive - and what a blessing this golden moment is too. The lord told us to pray '....and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us...'

So, the more I forgive, the more I will be forgiven, and on the day that I stand before the Lord I hope to be forgiven for a whole bunch of stuff.

c.anna

Don't speak when you're angry

A friend on facebook mentioned one day that she was going to pour herself 'a big cup of shut up' I loved it and have been reminding myself of those words and telling myself to imagine myself sipping on a steaming mug of shut up at times when my mouth would normally get moving and cause trouble for me or someone I love.

I notice when I'm miserable and angry absolutely nothing helpful, wise, uplifting or sensible comes out of my mouth....and that is the time I most want to give voice to my thoughts. Staying quiet and silent is a skill I am learning. Some days I am more successful than others, but hey - its a learning curve.

I'm getting better at it and, with each success, that feeling of accomplishment just gets sweeter and sweeter.

c.anna

sometimes God is wonderfully obvious

my heart is light today as I thank the Lord for answered prayer.

My morale at work had bottomed out and I had begun to pray to the Lord to help me win the favor of my superiors, that my effort, sincerity, and good work ethic be noticed.

well, my boss called me into her office the other day and completely upped my morale and commended me on a job well done.

the Lord answers prayer - I am so amazed that he would step in so obviously, and I am praising Him today with songs and a joyful heart.

c.anna