Christianity teaches that its followers will have eternal life.
I have been told that If I believe in my heart and confess with my mouth that Jesus Christ is God in the flesh and is alive - I will be saved.
I can't fathom this blessing. Somehow I keep on thinking that I have to work really hard to earn the gift that there is no way I can ever be worthy and yet I keep on trying to force myself to be good enough - to somehow convince God that I DESERVE it.
In deserving it - God would then be obligated to give it to me.....what a trap my mind is!!! What a snare my pride is! why do I find it so hard to just acknowledge that I am an imperfect being born with a sinful nature and understand that the very fact that I believe on the name of Jesus Christ is remarkable in itself, and that belief is what God values more than any good deed or piety I may aspire to?
c.anna
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Rotted out like a tooth
for much of my life I was fed a steady diet of sugary stories of how much Jesus loved me and how eternal life was a free gift and that good deeds and fancy prayers and constant prayer are only for the fanatics or the mystics. love love love. dewy sappy weeping bleeding love. Pictures of lambs and hillsides and ruddy apple cheeked little ones gathered at his feet.
My madness came upon me suddenly and I raved endlessly about my inflamed dellusions of hell and fire and evil living within me.....all those I loved reminded me of this effeminate swain who wandered the countryside carrying lambs around and blessing children. My raving only increased and, so, in frustration all those I loved turned away and I was driven to institutions where the torchure of my spiritual starvation drove me to begging for someone to pray for me. Someone to tell me the truth. What is hell. Who goes there and why and how can I escape such a horrible thing.
Time and time again the words of God were made to be a lullaby - cookies given to the crying child, for no reason other than to end the constant whining.
The words of the son of all creation. God Almighty Himself in the flesh. The one who stormed the temple and whos teachings and behavior offended almost everyone. Reduced to little more than candies and cream puffs - tasty oh so yummy. I was a fat little brat gone mad on it.
my steady diet of spiritual candy decayed my soul as surely as a tooth would rot.
A new realationship was born between Christ and myself as I in a very stormy and messy and emotionally violent way came to terms with the God of justice, and judgement, and boundaries, and rules. He began to feed me. love yes, lots of it. Forgiveness, yes lots of that too...
....and humilliation. God has sent ppl into my life who held me accountable to the truth and brought to my own understanding my own love of lies and the world and yes, I even loved evil. they were his whips....and through them I received my share of stripes. and i am so grateful for the shaming of my pride.
I love God. As surely as I know he remains in his flesh and is alive - I am confident in his love for his children. Who am I to call myself child of the Living God? Yet I do so, and sometimes I weep to think of the enormity of that.
c.anna
My madness came upon me suddenly and I raved endlessly about my inflamed dellusions of hell and fire and evil living within me.....all those I loved reminded me of this effeminate swain who wandered the countryside carrying lambs around and blessing children. My raving only increased and, so, in frustration all those I loved turned away and I was driven to institutions where the torchure of my spiritual starvation drove me to begging for someone to pray for me. Someone to tell me the truth. What is hell. Who goes there and why and how can I escape such a horrible thing.
Time and time again the words of God were made to be a lullaby - cookies given to the crying child, for no reason other than to end the constant whining.
The words of the son of all creation. God Almighty Himself in the flesh. The one who stormed the temple and whos teachings and behavior offended almost everyone. Reduced to little more than candies and cream puffs - tasty oh so yummy. I was a fat little brat gone mad on it.
my steady diet of spiritual candy decayed my soul as surely as a tooth would rot.
A new realationship was born between Christ and myself as I in a very stormy and messy and emotionally violent way came to terms with the God of justice, and judgement, and boundaries, and rules. He began to feed me. love yes, lots of it. Forgiveness, yes lots of that too...
....and humilliation. God has sent ppl into my life who held me accountable to the truth and brought to my own understanding my own love of lies and the world and yes, I even loved evil. they were his whips....and through them I received my share of stripes. and i am so grateful for the shaming of my pride.
I love God. As surely as I know he remains in his flesh and is alive - I am confident in his love for his children. Who am I to call myself child of the Living God? Yet I do so, and sometimes I weep to think of the enormity of that.
c.anna
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)