emotional slavery

I was once told that animals are creatures ruled by their emotions and have no other method of reasoning - if they reason at all.

i have also been told that a person can easily allow themsleves to be ruled by their emotions and base all their reasoning upon how they feel about a matter.

i am such a person. My emotions are constantly overpowering my thought processes and hijacking my will.

the other night I was unwell and was filled with dark, brooding, angry, hateful feelings and I cursed and accused God in the intervals where I was awake between bouts of sleeping. I railed at him that hell is unfair and we have no choice but to worship him 'cause if we don't we'll suffer eternal torment....and we're also expected to love him - without ever laying eyes upon him or hearing his voice and being without any tangible proof that he's there. Faith - oh, I had plently of horrid things to say about faith too.

My emotions were in control. I felt miserable and so my attitude was one of misery.

What a trap!

I am ashamed and can hardly bring myself to pray today.

c.anna

denying the Lord

I really dislike my tendency to downplay my faith and even openly ridicule myself for past radical/fanatical behavior.

I need to stop this because I am giving the impression that I am a non believer and I know that cowardice is at the root of this - I don't want to get into arguments about the authenticity of the Bible and so on. I've had those arguments and they are nothing more than words being thrown back and forth without any meaning whatsoever and i only end up angry.

One may shake their head and wonder just how often do arguments happen, really? you would be amazed - just the mere casual mention of a saying by Jesus and bam! there you have it somebody will always be up and at em asking me to prove that Christ said it, and even to prove that Christ even existed.

I am sick and tired of these petty disputes and so I avoid them as much as possible. In the process though I am denying my faith and I am ashamed of myself for doing this. I need to stop that.

c.anna

Altar?

I've been hearing buzz about home altars and I wonder if this little spot in my home counts as an altar....

I have a table in my living room that I think of as my altar - It's a simple end table with a small ornamental pair of praying hands on it, they are holding a rolled up piece of paper that I wrote out the verse John 3:16 on - its years old and I don't dare take out the little role of paper for fear it will disintegrate from age...i also have a little tray on which I burn incense simply as a symbol of prayer - and I have a small tea light holder and I sometimes have one burning to symbolize the presence of God in my home or to symbolize a special prayer I've said (fire is a symbol of the Holy Spirit) there is an artificial oriental orchid on the table too - a precious gift from a beloved friend many years ago. I have it there because its pretty, no symbolism there that I can think of off the top of my head - and a small touch tone lamp for practical reasons.

that's it - that is my altar.

c.anna

being human

Just because I'm human doesn't mean I have the right to behave like one.

today I made an off colour remark to a gentleman, who gently chided me that he wouldn't expect a good christian girl to talk that way. At once a war broke out within me. I felt insulted that a non christian would comment on my behavior and imply hypocrisy on my part.

I remarked straight from my pride saying that since i pray to the Living God and believe that Christ shed his blood and died and rose again for the redemption of mankind that I am now stripped of all humanity and should conduct myself in a manner that everyone (incl ppl who are not of my faith) would deem to be proper christian behavior?

and on the other hand I had to admit he wasn't wrong in what he said. i was rebuked and rightly so. Jesus was very clear that the world will be watching his followers very carefully. He even went so far as to say that the world will hate us. We are told to avoid all appearance of evil. and that even though we are in the world we must not be of the world. Putting off our old ways and embracing the ways of Christ will make us so different that we'll, well, stick out as misfits.

Friendship with the world is to be an enemy of Christ - so then, to be friends with Christ is to be an enemy of the world. If I am truly following Christ and walking in the way of the Lord, I will stand out as different and may even suffer abuse for it.

In other words - just because I know how to cuss and tell dirty jokes and fornicate and get drunk and carry on - doesn't mean its right for me to do so. I am told to come out of the world regardless of what my pride may suffer as a result.

so. I am admonished and repentant. yesterday I read the book of Galatians (in the new testament of the Bible) and it is a firm rebuke of bad behavior in that church. I think I'll read it again - Ephesians is a good one too.

Thank you Lord.

c.anna

salad

The other day I was talking with a friend about prayer and God and so on and I had to confess that I have a sort of tossed salad faith. I take what works for me from wherever it comes from.

I believe that God is three, yet one, before whom I am to have nothing I respect more. Yet I practice the devotion of the Rosary, which many have opined to me, is a form of Goddess worship...and speaking of Goddess worship. I have a growing fascination with Goddess concept and have been more and more attracted to what I call the Divine Feminine.

magic. sounds very appealing. so does wicca *WHAM* there it is. I have a growing attraction to witchery. the practice of casting spells, invoking spirits stronger than myself to help me accomplish tasks in my life and in the lives of others.

there is power in magic, and I'm even becoming less offended by the idea of leaving myself open to the danger or demonic interference in my life, and wondering if 'demons' are truly evil or if they are, as some say, simply manifestations necessary to facillitate the learning of some lesson?

And so I have this conflict within myself. and when i get to the root of it all - there is a need for control - to harness the force of my life and make myself comfortable and safe. Myself and my loved ones.

But, i know myself and I know that I am equating control with power, and i am told that power corrupts, and I also know myself to be foolish and fickle and so I ask myself, 'Do I want myself to be in charge of my actions and consequences of those actions whatever they may be?'

I have to say no. I know myself to be unreliable, foolish, naive, emotional, and ignorant....and so the alternative is to hand that power over to someone else....and without further rambling let me introduce.

My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who has been my God from earliest memory and I believe to be ultimately wise and loving - omniscient, omnipresent, my companion, friend, lover and God. Who has faced down the prince of darkness and has overcome death.

See how his voice whispered to me even as I was typing and has wooed me yet again? Tell me I am mad, I don't care.

Maranatha!

c.anna

distracted and restless

Praying is one of my most cherished rights. I love to go into the presence of God any time any place and for any reason and lay my cares, and requests at the feet of the Lord.

Lately, though, focussing on what I'm saying has been a challenge and I find myself mentally raising my voice to keep my brain aware and praying - its as if a thick fog has surrounded me and I have to shout my thoughts in order to get the words through.

Daydreaming takes over in seconds and I don't even notice I've stopped praying.

I'm glad I noticed this happening - I wonder how long its been going on.

Praying has become an effort of will, and this can only strengthen me. I know that the Lord will not let any test or burden come upon me that I cannot bear.

c.anna

Free Believers

So, lately there's been a buzz about Christians who don't attend church or claim adherance to a particular denomination. Such believers are reffered to as 'unaffiliated'.

I am one such Christian.

For personal reasons I don't attend church - and I won't list them because it would be 3 or 4 paragraphs of ranting that would do nothing more than bash the churches I've attended and loved in the past, and that just wouldn't be fair since they have all shaped the way I relate to the Lord and for that they are to be greatly thanked.

Yet being called 'unafilliated' seems very clinical and stark - as though I have detached myself from and renounced every practice and tradition I've ever learned under the heading 'Christian' or 'Church'.

Not so. I have a unique and personal way of relating to my Lord, Jesus Christ - and I have every little church I've ever attended to thank for their part in the tapestry that is now my faith.

so, I do not call myself 'unaffiated' I call myself a free believer.

c.anna

trump

Believing on the name of Jesus is, itself, a miracle. A miracle of such peculiarity, that it alone gives us street cred in heaven.

He is risen. He is risen indeed!

c.anna

temper temper

wowee do I ever have an attitude problem when I get tired and irritable. It seems my filthy mouth decides that since the brain is temporarily out of service, it can do as it pleases...which is cuss, and say incredibly insulting things about other people, including innocent bystanders...and, to my shame...the more blasphemous the idea, the more likely it is to come rolling out of my smelly mouth.

I am told to not speak in anger and to not let my emotions rule over me. If I do I should question my sincerity in my walk with the Lord.

I am never so close to hell as I am when I'm in a bad mood.

i am deeply ashamed of myself - but I always am, once I settle down and come back to my senses.

I've come to the conclusion that my time before the Lord's throne isn't going to be all accolades and crowns. I am beginning to fear that day, and this fear is having a beneficial affect on me. Its giving birth to respect. Respect is giving birth to admiration. Admiration is giving birth to love. Yes. I am falling in love with God and its a wonderous thing. Stormy. Wonderous. Awesome.

c.anna

unseen victories

I have been told that there is a constant battle raging between good and evil unseen by mortal eyes and that when my mortal life is over and I look with the eyes of my spirit, I will be stunned to know how much activity was going on all around me for my entire life....and not only that, but the things I did in my flesh had an impact upon that invisible battle.

Its odd to think that every action I take somehow alters the spectral activity in my vicinity...and not only me, but the choices and actions taken by every person also affects the battle around them and in a cascading sort of way the heavenly places are impacted.

I am so grateful that the living God is in all places and knows all things and is constantly taking action on behalf of us all for our benefit. I am so glad that God is mighty to save.

If my puny mind can wring these few confused and muddled words. Then how can it ever begin to fathom the staggering victory that Jesus won on the cross? then there's the whole resurrection thing too. This is too big for me.

If all my words come to nought and if my mind should suddenly be still and I cease to be....then let these words remain. Christ the Lord is risen, risen indeed! The victory is His!

c.anna

no joy

once again I find myself in the depression quagmire. this dark place where reality is suspended and it seems as if I am living very close to the mouth of hell.

I find myself angry at God and wondering if he is just a figment of my imagination, and not only that but I find myself beginning to dislike him.

I find this very upsetting. I am told that I am to love, just love. Love God, my enemies, friends and so on....but I have no love within myself. Everything I do is done out of a sense of duty and obligation...and even fear of getting in trouble if I don't.

If I could see my spirit, I would see that I've fallen into a pit - a trap set by the wicked one designed to maximise my self pity and sense of injustice.

I'll wait on the Lord. He'll come. He'll rescue me and I'll be happy again.

c.anna

how does it feel to forgive?

I've been struggling with the concept of forgiveness. I have come to the conclusion that to forgive I simply let go of any sense of entitlement to retribution or vengence for a wrong done to me. yet I seem to have a hard time getting around my feelings of anger, shame and sorrow.

I may be able to rationalize many of the things I feel upset about, but being able to see the other side doesn't seem to take away the sadness, and hurt I feel....which brings me to the idea that forgiveness may not be about feelings. It may simply be a sort of spiritual transaction. I cancel the debt and it no longer exists regardless of how confusing this is on an emotional level.

c.anna

Just forgive.

Here I am 43 years old feeling all sorry for myself because my childhood wasn't perfect and my parents made myriad mistakes and inwardly blaming them for every imaginable misery I've ever suffered.

I keep on digging through my resentment pile and the deeper I dig the bigger the pile gets and I've come to the conclusion that as long as I'm looking for crap to feel sorry for myself about there will always be some.

Time for me to get over myself and get on with things. I have a wonderful opportunity to forgive - and what a blessing this golden moment is too. The lord told us to pray '....and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us...'

So, the more I forgive, the more I will be forgiven, and on the day that I stand before the Lord I hope to be forgiven for a whole bunch of stuff.

c.anna

Don't speak when you're angry

A friend on facebook mentioned one day that she was going to pour herself 'a big cup of shut up' I loved it and have been reminding myself of those words and telling myself to imagine myself sipping on a steaming mug of shut up at times when my mouth would normally get moving and cause trouble for me or someone I love.

I notice when I'm miserable and angry absolutely nothing helpful, wise, uplifting or sensible comes out of my mouth....and that is the time I most want to give voice to my thoughts. Staying quiet and silent is a skill I am learning. Some days I am more successful than others, but hey - its a learning curve.

I'm getting better at it and, with each success, that feeling of accomplishment just gets sweeter and sweeter.

c.anna

sometimes God is wonderfully obvious

my heart is light today as I thank the Lord for answered prayer.

My morale at work had bottomed out and I had begun to pray to the Lord to help me win the favor of my superiors, that my effort, sincerity, and good work ethic be noticed.

well, my boss called me into her office the other day and completely upped my morale and commended me on a job well done.

the Lord answers prayer - I am so amazed that he would step in so obviously, and I am praising Him today with songs and a joyful heart.

c.anna

simpleton faith

So. I've been told that God has a plan for my life and that if I would only somehow shift myself off of my inward axis and allow Him to rule where self is seated, then He will live through me and accomplish all of His plans and my place in Heaven will be secured.

I have had the Bible verse quoted to me, 'it is no longer I that live but Christ that lives in me.' I've stared at diagrams of a circle with a little throne in the middle of it with a big letter 's' on it and then a second circle the same except there is the letter 'C' on it and the circle represents my life. The latter circle seems to be the one that is desired.

I can't imagine. I can't even fully grasp what this thing called 'self' really is and its even more confusing to try to figure out how to get rid of it. I've poured over the tracts and asked all manner of pastors, priests, and christians who believe themselves to have successfuly accomplished this task only to discover that these folks are just as ordinary and sinful as me.

so. After much delliberation and prayer and the passage of years, I've come to the conclusion that there are 3 very important things that I can aspire to at all times.

1- to love God
2- treat others exactly the way I want to be treated
3- keep my life as simple as possible and do whatever I'm doing in the moment well and attentively.

Keeping these 3 things in mind at all times isn't easy - and carrying them out isn't always easy either.....but its a concept I can grasp.

c.anna

The sum of me is merely a dividend

Am I the sum of my ideas and beliefs? I don't even know all of them and they are me. I am a desert.

This constant blowing of thought and the constant struggle to sort and catalogue each grain of sand as it spins is a constant distraction.

The strength is in the storm and the potential of it is lost in the explaining.

It is such a challenge. Such a complete and utter mystery of miraculous consideration to strive not to understand, to not identify, to not observe, to not even record the experience of it all.

c.anna

eternal life

Christianity teaches that its followers will have eternal life.

I have been told that If I believe in my heart and confess with my mouth that Jesus Christ is God in the flesh and is alive - I will be saved.

I can't fathom this blessing. Somehow I keep on thinking that I have to work really hard to earn the gift that there is no way I can ever be worthy and yet I keep on trying to force myself to be good enough - to somehow convince God that I DESERVE it.

In deserving it - God would then be obligated to give it to me.....what a trap my mind is!!! What a snare my pride is! why do I find it so hard to just acknowledge that I am an imperfect being born with a sinful nature and understand that the very fact that I believe on the name of Jesus Christ is remarkable in itself, and that belief is what God values more than any good deed or piety I may aspire to?

c.anna

Rotted out like a tooth

for much of my life I was fed a steady diet of sugary stories of how much Jesus loved me and how eternal life was a free gift and that good deeds and fancy prayers and constant prayer are only for the fanatics or the mystics. love love love. dewy sappy weeping bleeding love. Pictures of lambs and hillsides and ruddy apple cheeked little ones gathered at his feet.

My madness came upon me suddenly and I raved endlessly about my inflamed dellusions of hell and fire and evil living within me.....all those I loved reminded me of this effeminate swain who wandered the countryside carrying lambs around and blessing children. My raving only increased and, so, in frustration all those I loved turned away and I was driven to institutions where the torchure of my spiritual starvation drove me to begging for someone to pray for me. Someone to tell me the truth. What is hell. Who goes there and why and how can I escape such a horrible thing.

Time and time again the words of God were made to be a lullaby - cookies given to the crying child, for no reason other than to end the constant whining.

The words of the son of all creation. God Almighty Himself in the flesh. The one who stormed the temple and whos teachings and behavior offended almost everyone. Reduced to little more than candies and cream puffs - tasty oh so yummy. I was a fat little brat gone mad on it.

my steady diet of spiritual candy decayed my soul as surely as a tooth would rot.

A new realationship was born between Christ and myself as I in a very stormy and messy and emotionally violent way came to terms with the God of justice, and judgement, and boundaries, and rules. He began to feed me. love yes, lots of it. Forgiveness, yes lots of that too...

....and humilliation. God has sent ppl into my life who held me accountable to the truth and brought to my own understanding my own love of lies and the world and yes, I even loved evil. they were his whips....and through them I received my share of stripes. and i am so grateful for the shaming of my pride.

I love God. As surely as I know he remains in his flesh and is alive - I am confident in his love for his children. Who am I to call myself child of the Living God? Yet I do so, and sometimes I weep to think of the enormity of that.

c.anna

Exactly

so today I was reading any old verse on any old page of my little New Testament and right there were the words, 'God will treat you exactly as you treated others' my casual scan was immediately halted. The word 'exactly' trapped my eye and was repeated about 10 times in the couple of seconds it took me to free myself and read on.

So. I am going to be paying close attention to how I treat others from now on, since I now know that Jesus will do to me as I have done unto others. I don't think I could take it if he treated me unkindly.

c.anna