Am I ready to give an account?

Lately I've been thinking about the afterlife and the fact that I'll have to give an answer for all of my actions while I was still on this side of eternity.

I don't think God will demand that I justify my sinful actions - I can't. Luckily I have Jesus Christ as an advocate for me...I think, however, that God will be especially interested to hear about how I used my blessings and gifts in His service.

The ability to work is a blessing and the money that generates is not only a blessing but it is a responsibility and I feel strongly that I should be giving some of this back to the Lord.

The capacity to love is another blessing and I think I'll be expected to give an account of how I showed love to my fellow man including my enemies.

How have I shown that I love the Lord, my family, my neighbor, my enemy, and myself?

In the end it's all about love.

c.anna

That's yours

I find myself all caught up in someone else's problems in the blink of an eye. All it takes is for an emotionally charged display of some injustice and I'm in there like a dirty shirt taking up the cause.

The other day the serenity prayer came to mind and I thought to myself ohhh yea....I forgot!

I find that the quickest way to absolve myself of partaking of troubles that don't belong to me is to remember that prayer...and in the blink of an eye I am able to see what my part of a problem is and what part of a problem belongs to someone else.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference
Amen

c.anna

Just between us

Sometimes I like to praise God by simply clapping my hands a couple of times.

Who can be offended by that? Who needs to know that I'm sending up a private acknowledgement to the Lord?

Of course there are times where I don't feel the need to keep my dialogue with the Lord so private, yet it sure is nice to know that I can have a moment with him that is mine and mine alone.

Such moments are precious to me.

c.anna

Nice, who me?

Tonight one of my clients came to me asking for assistance with a small thing and I let out a sigh and asked why he was coming to me with this and he said it was because I'm generally nicer to him than other staff.

Well, this comment put me in a good mood for the rest of the night, and I don't care to analyze it and think I'm being buttered up or being pitted against my co workers...the fact is, I received a compliment and it felt really good - hey, I'm only human.

And you know what else? I'm refreshed. A simple thing like a compliment implying some sort of appreciation for what I do has put me back on track and realigned my thinking....the job is about my clients - not about me or my co worker or any issues staff may have.

I've decided that I'm going to spend as little of my time in the staff office as I can and as much time as I can out on the floor with the clients. They are what the job is all about and I had lost sight of that.

c.anna

Who am I trying to impress?

I remember learning that at the end of my life God will try all my works by fire and anything I've done that doesn't meet up with his divine standards will be burned up.

I never understood just what made one work good and another not, especially if both brought about some sort of comfort or goodness to another person.

Tonight it dawned on me, that any work that I do, no matter how wonderful it may appear, that is not done first and formost for the glory of God is little more than showing off and is a form of conceit.

c.anna

About being single

I've been in and out of some real doozies when it comes to romantic interludes. One night stands to long term commited thick or thin love affairs that ended slowly and painfully. Some love affairs have been painful and abusive, and some relatively happy and comfortable.

I would have to say that the longer I'm single, the more I enjoy my own company. I can go to sleep when I'm tired, eat when I'm hungry, hog the bed, Sing out loud, work too much, mutter to myself and pace....all to my hearts content.

I'm free to explore my faith and openly sing and pray without having to prove that I'm not getting sick again, and if I do get sick again, I don't have the pressure of wondering if he'll leave me if I don't get better fast enough.

I notice that the longer I'm single the more of a sense of accomplishment I have - as though I have somethng to prove by it.

There are times where being alone isn't all fun and games and is a source of deep pain and remourse for me. There are times when I really don't feel like thinking of myself and would dearly love to lavish romantic attention on a man.

There are times where I cry deep bone racking sobs wishing I was in a loving and healthy relationship - in those moments I lean on God to save my life.

c.anna

About Self Help Books

My psychiatrist suggested I start reading self help books several years ago when I confessed to him that I was struggling with feelings of shame and self hatred - and along with this were some really strong boundary issues.

At first I was offended thinking that he's the doctor and he should work with me regarding these things - not tell me to 'buy a book'.

Yet that session with my doctor started a self help book reading frenzy that has continued to this day. I must have read dozens over the years, and have culled my collection down to a few really outstanding resources that I return to often.

I've come to regard a really well done self help book (on whatever topic) written by someone credible (like with a Ph. D for example) as a few years of therapy for $50 or less (sometimes only $20). What a coup!

If I run into something that really sets me off - well that just makes my conversation all that much more interesting as I wrestle with some insight or idea that is new to me.

Do I recommend self help reading?

Absolutely.

It's not everyone's cup of tea, and I was certainly not thrilled to be prodded into reading them, but the rewards are too great to count.

c.anna

sorrowing

Many people who have dealt with serious mental health difficulties, eventually come to a place where they count the things they've missed out on while they were too ill to partake of day to day life.

At the moment I'm sorrowing over the fact that I've never wed, and there seems to be no romance anywhere on the horizon.

I've been struggling a bit with uncomfortable emotions for several months. I tell myself that on the map of my life, I'm passing through a dry and desolate place, and that I need to cross this wilderness in order to learn a divine lesson. What that specific lesson is, only God knows.

I keep on reminding myself that all loneliness, confusion, sadness, and sorrow are nothing for God to turn to joy for those who trust in him and look to him for guidance and comfort.

All things for a reason.

My life is in my maker's hands and I know that eventually I'll see better days. It's probably for the best that I be single while I go through this spiritual growth experience.

Some days, though, I wish so hard that I had a partner to share things with and to take comfort with. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't become sick and then stayed sick for so long.

I try not to dwell on that too much, because when I do I end up having a great big poor me party and the sadness this brings makes it hard for me to function.

So, I'll continue my travels through this place and take comfort in the knowledge that no matter what I may or may not be missing out on, God can compensate for so long as I keep on looking to him.

c.anna

Judge and Jury

I've looked over my posts and I can see that I'm making myself out to be some sort of compassionate angel of mercy who loves everyone and magically converts negative feelings into helpful life lessons. I need to be honest, if I'm going to talk about my feelings I think I should also address my less than attractive aspects.

I titled this post 'Judge and Jury' because I sometimes place myself above the people I work with and in my mind I preside over them and bang the gavel according to who is more trouble or less trouble that day.

There may be a judge in my mind, but there is also a jury, and this jury convicts me of the same 'crimes'. This inner jury reminds me that I am sometimes needy and demanding too.

This jury reminds me that I don't always take advice, I make some unhealthy decisions, and I often annoy my co workers and friends and others who care about me.

I need to remind myself, more often, that I'm not superior to anyone - especially not the people I support - and I can be sure that if I forget this, the inner jury will take me down a peg or two.

c.anna

Purely selfish motives

Over the last few years I've worked in entry level support work with people who struggle with mental health issues. I've taken classes, worked on crisis lines and enjoyed several years doing peer support.

When I graduated from college, I thought that I would comfort the hurting and inspire the down trodden with all my wonderful knowledge and newly learned skills.

I quickly learned that it was my clients that would be doing all the work - not only in helping themselves, but unwittingly helping me.

So many times someone would confide to me a dellusion or a compulsion and it would so happen that I also had suffered similar experiences but hadn't discussed it with anyone.

Almost every word that has come out of my mouth in support and comfort to another person has also been a support and comfort to myself - and not only that, but I learned that all my deepest secrets aren't unique to me.

Very humbling to learn this.

Now, I've come to understand, that when I sit down to talk with someone, I'll be hearing all about myself and I'll be exposed once again in someone else's experience.

c.anna