I don't think I know God

so. I have been struggling with hard feelings toward God.

I have no good reason for this - just a lot of self pity and blaming him for all my misery.

I have searched my heart and have discovered unsavory motives for my 'faith'. I thank God for the good things in my life because I fear that if I don't, he'll take it away.

I try to be kind and patient because I fear that if I am not nice to assholes, God will punish me.

I have no love for him in me anywhere - everything I do is done out of fear of an angry and punitive God.

This is wrong. God should be loved and out of that love good things would flow without effort and I think that unless I love Him - my prayers are erroneous and insulting.

If God is love and goodness - I can't imagine He enjoyes listening to prayers said out of a sense of obligation and ritual. I don't think God is pleased to be considered strict and angry and prone to a mean streak.

I need to work this out. I don't want my life to get even worse and I don't want to be cast into hell at the end of this turn around the world.

c.anna

can I be forgiven?

So. I've been having a real spiritual struggle that has spanned the last few months. I have had an ever increasing suspicion that God was fed up with my bad attitude and was done forgiving me for my constant weakness.

I have also had increasing difficulty with prayer. I start 'oh God' or 'Oh Lord' and don't get any further than that.

Today I googled the question 'will God forgive me' and I came across an article reminding me that if I forgive I will be forgiven and if I show mercy I will receive mercy..and if I don't believe God is forgiving and merciful toward me, then I will have a hard time being that way myself.

If I were confident of God's love and mercy and constant forgiveness toward me, then I would not be so easily offended and quick to anger.

That's where I have been slipping. I have a hard time believing that God isn't fed up with me and, still loves me. I need to regain confidence in the love and mercy of God toward me. Time to pull my nose out of the air and put it into my Bible. I have fallen far.

Lord. You are my shepherd and I am your lamb. Please lift me out of this hole I have fallen into.

Amen

c.anna