so. I have been struggling with hard feelings toward God.
I have no good reason for this - just a lot of self pity and blaming him for all my misery.
I have searched my heart and have discovered unsavory motives for my 'faith'. I thank God for the good things in my life because I fear that if I don't, he'll take it away.
I try to be kind and patient because I fear that if I am not nice to assholes, God will punish me.
I have no love for him in me anywhere - everything I do is done out of fear of an angry and punitive God.
This is wrong. God should be loved and out of that love good things would flow without effort and I think that unless I love Him - my prayers are erroneous and insulting.
If God is love and goodness - I can't imagine He enjoyes listening to prayers said out of a sense of obligation and ritual. I don't think God is pleased to be considered strict and angry and prone to a mean streak.
I need to work this out. I don't want my life to get even worse and I don't want to be cast into hell at the end of this turn around the world.
c.anna
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